Bent on the First Gent

First Gentleman Jose Miguel "Mike" Arroyo

Donchu wish ur FG wuz hot like me?

Though legend has it that he was one of the best looking of the coño set in his younger days, First Gentledog Jose Miguel “Mike”Arroyo now looks like Jabba the Hut. Make that Jabba the Hut with the voice of a cockroach. A lawyer by day, Mike does many mysterious things at night—not including molesting his favorite Tickle Me Elmo stuffed toy. He gave his wife some golf balls for their wedding anniversary. This dude ain’t getting any no more.

Claim to fame: Allegedly popped GMA’s mini-cherry (Man, that has got to hurt!)

Occupation: lawyer

Dream job: to live in exile with a tall woman

Favorite position: being First Gentleman

Will be remembered as: The Man Who Would Be Jose Pidal

Lesson to impart: Never ever marry little women who have chips on their teeny-weeny shoulders—even if their overbites excite you and even if they are that tight

So, will the yumyumthree rub his tummy or go straight to the toilet and retch the image of him wearing nothing but diapers?

Mademoiselle Hamster says:

You know those crappy but wonderfully campy Japanese shows like Magmaman and Ultraman? Well, whenever I see Mike A., I hear this dialogue in my head: ‘At eto na ang dambuhala!!!’ I’m sorry but the only monster I would deign to fuck is Godzilla.

Ginoong Bolitas says:

Mike Arroyo would fit well in a Roman orgy. I mean, it's perfect; he has the debauched Roman virtues down pat: avarice, gluttony and known to have coitus with a dwarf. The sheer heft would make him overqualified with the bear community. He DOES have nice eyes though. I wonder how it feels like to have sex on a jueteng table. Mike, you wanna show me?

Mizz Manly Belch says:

I love human flesh. I love warrior women, with full grab-worthy hips and smothering breasts. I love daddy bears, with meaty arms and round hairy bellies. Jabba-the-Hut Arroyo, however, one of the galaxy’s biggest (pardon the pun) criminal underlords (and under the saya), is alien. I don't do inter-species. I bet he sweats cooking oil, craps lard, and has saliva like an oil slick. His wife was born under the sign of Aries in the year of the Pig. It’s a match no Fate could resist and no human should put asunder.

So, dear readers, would you lubricate the First Gentleman or just pass out? Comments and emails are welcome yumyumthree@gmail.com

Graphic by chilliconkarne@gmail.com

Pac You

Manny "Pacman" Pacquiao

Hit Me Baby One More Time

Boxing champ Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao is the country’s sporty Nora Aunor. Right now, he can do no wrong. Nobody dared to point out that his singing sucks, the Darlington ads suck, and that his movies suck—until now. But, on the plus side, he can beat up anyone of those stinky men at the MRT who use elbows and bags to hurt women. He’s also got nice abs.

Claim to fame: General Santos’ Best Export Product Aside from Tuna

Occupation: Boxer

Dream job: Singer, actor, and big-time political mascot

Favorite position: rough sex

Will be remembered for: Darlington socks

Lesson to impart: Never ever talk to little women on the cell phone (even if they want to declare a national holiday for you) after beating up an arrogant but super duper gorgeous Mexican prizefighter who ought to be in a porn flick

Will the yumyumthree have a bedtime bout with The Pacman or opt for a Million Dollar Baby ending with this one?

Mademoiselle Hamster says:

No, no, no. A thousand times nooooooooooooo!!! I can’t stand those jologs No Fear undies. I can’t stand his squeaky voice. I can’t stand his kanto boy mustache. On the other hand, he’s makes for a great trophy hump—if you’re into that sort of stuff.

Ginoong Bolitas says:

Hey, he is a Four-million dollar baby and it could be romantic if he showers me with cash and one year supply of Dolly tuna. I need Darlington socks kasi walang himulmol. I bet his love-bed will be filled with No Fear badges. KINKY!!!! It would be great to have a tryst with the people's champ and his moustache could be a french tickler, but, alas, I would have to say no. He may be great but he is blind to support an administration that is out to milk his popularity. Besides, if it were to be a threesome, I would not want to have a bloated presidential hobbit with bad hair on the bed. Who would?

Mizz Manly Belch:

Sex may be an athletic sport. But, in my ring, I prefer my men to have rhythm and have facial muscles that show emotion. Besides I don’t like sharing with trolls. He already has a gazillion publicity-hungry showbiz and government personas scarfing, blowing and licking every inch of skin on his body.

So, dear readers, would you eat Pacman or not? Comments and emails are welcome yumyumthree@gmail.com

Graphic by chilliconkarne@gmail.com

Hello, Garci!

Virgilio "Garci" Garcillano

The elusive and enigmatic Virgilio "Don't Call Me 'Garci!'" Garcillano, he with the beady eyes and the wrinkled look, is a former official of the Philippine Commission on Elections accused of being involved in Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's alleged election shenanigans in 2004-no thanks to the wiretap done by Agent Doble (who will soon be a Yum Yum Three Hunk of the Moment himself). In reality, Garci is deemed the best phone sex performer in Northern Mindanao. If you can tie your shoelaces while whistling "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go," it won't take much for you to guess why She was calling. If she wanted an innocent phone pal, she would have called Joe D'Mango. Hence, The Big Cover Up.

Claim to fame: Cagayan de Oro's Geriatric Hunk

Occupation: Down-and-out Comelec commissioner

Dream job: Phone sex operator

Favorite position: phone sex with government officials and sex on the run

Will be remembered for: "Hello, Garci?"

Lesson to impart: Never ever talk to little women during presidential elections.

So, Garci being the first featured sexy beast, will the yumyumthree find him humpable or ho-hump?

Will we do the nasty with Garci?

Mademoiselle Hamster says:

Yes and no. Though I have sworn never again to screw a man who is mysterious and who disappears when push comes to shove, I must admit that Garci appeals to me because he is also from Cagayan de Oro. Tsada siguro sya iyuton kay we speak the same language. But, no, I won't phone fuck him because he sounds like a lolo.

Ginoong Bolitas says:

Nothing is sexier than a yes man, right? Oh no! How can you resist a yes man that looks like a king toad in a small pond? This is an actualization of beastial fantasy. Garci would be a fine bottom. Would be? The way he dropped off and scampered away from the scene of the crime when the scandal erupted makes me think he IS a bottom! A favorite foreplay with this one is good old hide and seek. Then he pops up, lash him and strap him in leather because someone needs to be spanked.

Mizz Manly Belch says:

There is nothing sexier than imagination. Garci’s voice and face leaves absolutely NOTHING to the imagination. I would never do him—not even with the assurance that he wouldn’t kiss and tell or if I was bribed with cash or threatened with presidential wrath. This pussy is made of platinum, honey. As an act of supreme sacrifice and charity, maybe I’d let him suck a toe for five minutes. Maybe.

So, dear readers, would you do Garci or not? Comments and emails are welcome yumyumthree@gmail.com

Graphic by chilliconkarne@gmail.com